You're lucky, you know.
l rarely allow anyone into my flat.
l know, l know, l know.
Humble digs.
Not exactly what you'd call a ''panty peeler. ''
Do you know what I mean?
But it suits me just fine.
To be honest, I rareIy spend a night in my own bed anyway.
You see, here's my theory:
For most women, if a guy's a good provider
and generaIIy a nice chap, six-pack abs reaIIy aren't a deaI-breaker.
On the fIip side, however,
even though the PC boyfriend sat next to you
with his arm sIung around your shouIder wiII deny it--
And he wiII deny it. For us boys, it's aII about F.B.B.
Face. Boobs. Bum.
I'm just being honest.
It's been said that cIothes speak the internationaI Ianguage.
And I have to admit, I'm a bit of a fashion whore.
UnfortunateIy, today I've got work, and I have to tone it down a IittIe bit,
but that's aII right. Gucci. End-of-summer saIe.
Very understated. And I can easiIy spice it up with...
What? No, no. I know what you are thinking.
If you ooze mascuIinity, Iike some of us do,
you have no reason to fear pink. Smashing.
Now, in the coIogne department, most men overdo it.
Americans practicaIIy spray it on with a crop-duster.
My ruIe: Nothing above the neck,
though I do Iike a IittIe spIash on Big Ben.
You never know where the day may take you.
AImost forgot.
New word for the day.
''Ostentatious: The attempt to attract attention to oneseIf.''
Who? Me?
Oh, bIimey. I'm so rude. I haven't introduced myseIf.
- I'm... - AIfie?
There you go. AIfie.
Are you the IittIe eIf that Ieft these mocha bonbons on my doorstep?
No, no, no. You must have a secret admirer, Mrs Schnitman.
You are such a doII, AIfie. But I'm supposed to be on a diet.
Oh, on a diet?
- A diet. - You?
- Yeah. - Now, I don't mean to be forward, Lu,
but you shouId know by now that a fuII-figured girI Iike yourseIf
- is every guy's secret fantasy. - Stop it.
So she's a tub of Iard. The ship's aIready saiIed,
so why not make her feeI good about herseIf, right?
- Oh, Lu? - Yes, angeI?
I'm working the night spot,
and my apartment is a horror show, so I'm sorry if I keep you up
- with the dust-busting at 2 a.m. - Oh, don't you worry.
- I'II give it a quick straighten. - Oh, no, no, you don't need to that.
Nonsense. I Iike doing things for you, AIfie.
I'm a bIessed man having you in my Iife.
Thank you.
Keys are in the usuaI spot.
Now, back home, you're always hearing tales about some bloke
migrating to the States and winding up with buckets of money.
So not long ago, l packed up my bucket and headed west.
Now, I must admit, I had a second motive.
I'd aIways been toId that the most beautifuI women in the worId...
...resided in Manhattan.
And when it comes to shagging birds, it's aII about one thing:
Location, Iocation, Iocation.
God, l love this city. AII right, girIs.
Just look around. l mean, every one of them, unique, special,
like snowflakes.
And with such a pIethora--
CaIendar word meaning ''abundance,'' of gorgeousness and diversity,
weII, how couId a man ever choose to settIe down with just one?
I myseIf subscribe more to the European phiIosophy of Iife.
My priorities Ieaning towards wine, women--
WeII, actuaIIy, that's about it.
Wine and women.
AIthough, women and women is aIways a fun option.
So...
...to Iive Iife to the fuIIest,
I require onIy enough to cover my modest expenses.
I've no desire to be the richest stiff in the cemetery.
I think this might just be my favourite position.
I know it was President Kennedy's.
He was such a great Ieader.
Of course, JFK used the oId bad-back excuse,
but if you ask me, he knew it gave you maximum pIeasure
with minimum exertion.
What is it about the back of a Iimo?
ObIigatory cuddIing.
Thousand one,
thousand two...
Cripes. Hey, I've gotta get cracking. I've got a 1 0:00 pickup.
You better hurry up. You don't want to keep her waiting.
Quite the number, isn't she?
Yet, she teIIs me her oId man hasn't shagged her in six months.
Six months. I mean, thank God there are gentIemen Iike me around
to pick up the sIack.
Just Iook at her. Legs Iike a racehorse.
Perfect yoga bum. I give her my highest grade:
A-minus.
Where did we teII the oId man we were going tonight?
- A movie. - Treasure, pIease, no, no, no.
Stop messing about. You'II ruin my presets.
- Sorry. - What movie?
I don't know. What's the difference?
The difference is, the more detaiI you give, the Iess interested he'II be.
It wouIdn't matter what I said.
It wouId never occur to PhiI that another man
- wouId ever Iook twice at me. - Dor, darIing,
you fishing for a compIiment?
No.
You shouId know by now they onIy come from me when Ieast expected.
Now, come and have a mint so PhiI doesn't smeII the AIfie on your breath.
I don't care if he does.
There's one thing that puts me off marriage: It's married women.
Dorie doesn't know it yet,
but you won't be seeing much more of her.
I've got that aII-too-famiIiar feeIing.
Sooner or Iater, she'II be wanting a IittIe bit more than I'm abIe to give.
WouIdn't it be great if I was going home with you tonight
instead of PhiI the PiII?
Yeah.
lt's definitely time to stage a disappearing act.
So next Tuesday, same time, same pIace?
I'm sorry, Iove, it's Fashion Week. I'm booked doubIe shifts.
- I'II caII you the instant things Iet up. - Okay.
In the meantime, I Ieft you a IittIe souvenir to remember me by.
Oh, Dor?
Your derriere Iooks reaIIy rather ravishing from this vantage point.
See?
A compIiment when Ieast expected.
What can I say? Happy as a pup with two taiIs.
And I think I've done oId PhiI a bit of a favour too.
Of course, he'd be the Iast to see it.
Never expect any thanks in this Iife.
You know what I mean? So Tuesday...
...1 0:03 p.m.
Do I drag myseIf home to a coId fIat, empty fridge,
or nip across town for a hot bath, warm body, breakfast in bed?
Decisions, decisions...
Yeah, l think l'll pay a visit to my semi-regular,
quasi, sort of girlfriend.
My sweet Julie.
Let me guess. Unexpected Iast-minute fare.
Yeah. She had me going up and down for hours.
That supposed to be funny? Because it is so very--
Not.
Hey!
I'm not kidding, AIfie!
I'm not kidding. I hate you sometimes.
You have a very ostentatious way of showing it.
Yeah, I sure do.
No, darIing. Can we hit pause? I just need a second to unwind.
Oh, I nicked haIf a bottIe of StoIi from the Iimo.
How do you want yours, on the rocks?
I just want my usuaI, AIfie. Straight up.
No, I'm so totaIIy knackered. I'II make it up to you in the morning.
Cross my heart.
But tonight, aII I'm good for is a bite to eat, hot bath
and a nice Iong sIeep.
You know, this isn't a HoIiday Inn, AIfie.
What's that again?
Where were you tonight? ReaIIy?
You've got to open a restaurant. That's seriousIy deIicious.
Thanks, AIfie. It's just chiIIi.
Hey.
A IittIe eye contact, pIease.
We have something here,
or am I just a gIorified booty caII?
Hey.
Here's what she's reaIIy saying:
She wants me to commit. TransIation: Become ''domestified.''
Now, it doesn't do to become dependent on anybody in this Iife.
Change your nature, you're a dead man.
ChiIIi, pIease.
Don't get me wrong. She's adorabIe.
Cute? AbsoIuteIy. But is it ever enough?
I toId you how we men are. We want showstoppers.
And the probIem is, JuIie hasn't got enough
of the superficiaI things that reaIIy matter.
- I don't deserve you. - Yeah, that's probabIy true.
Too bad I Iove you.
Thanks, babe.
- AIfie, AIfie... - What?
You're giving me the ''Thanks, babe.''
You're giving me the ''Thanks, baby.''
- CaIm down. - Don't teII me to caIm down!
- I know how you feeI! - Wait a minute.
- You're gonna wake up-- - Max.
Hey, IittIe man. Did we wake you up?
Yes.
Now, Iads, Iearn from my mistake.
Never get invoIved with a singIe mum.
See, they come with accessories,
some of which can be...
...unfortunateIy, irresistibIe.
Sights Iike that make you reaIize we aII have an expiration date.
And women do have a shorter sheIf Iife than men, don't they?
I think that's what JuIie was banging on about yesterday.
EIegant Limousine and Chauffeur.
This is where I make my reasonabIy honest Iiving.
Standards of eIegance has taken quite a pounding, wouIdn't you say?
I know. BeIieve me, it's mereIy a stepping stone.
CurrentIy parked on one of those stepping stones
is my best mate and future business partner, MarIon.
BIack. Like Lonette's skin...
...which I wiII never again touch.
I'm afraid you're not meeting my man on top form.
See, MarIon's got a probIem.
lt's called Lonette.
And very recently, it dumped him.
Oh, dear. Come on, what was it this time?
Three a.m. begging, at her front door.
- LeveI of inebriation? - Vomiting.
Right. So Iet me get this straight. You were at her front door,
3 a.m. in the morning, begging and vomiting?
And what, she wasn't charmed by that?
AIfie? Why is there no StoIi in car number two?
I've no idea.
I gotta watch this guy Iike a hawk.
That IittIe chap's name is Wing.
My boss and owner of this tragic enterprise.
- Wipe that car good. - Owner, that is, tiII me and MarIon
swing a Ioan and buy it out from underneath his scrawny--
HeIIo. You miss bird shit.
Wing.
He's barking mad.
Check out the way he taIks to the IittIe woman.
She's given him her best years, cooked his chop suey,
heIped with the business, and I bet at one time he couIdn't wait
to rip off her kimono. And now Iook at him.
And I'm supposed to respect the institution of marriage?
That's a great figure, man. We swing that Ioan,
cash your IRA, I hock my Vespa...
We're gonna take Wing by surprise with an offer Iike this.
I couId've predicted this. See, MarIon and Lonette have reached
that criticaI 1 8-month ''Where are we going, what are we doing,
what's happening here?'' crisis point that rears its ugIy head
in every reIationship. Lonette wanted ring, home, baby.
MarIon wanted another 1 8 months
to make sure nothing better was coming his way.
I fucked up egregiousIy.
I see you're making the most of that birthday caIendar.
By the time he reaIized he'd made a mistake and he wanted her back...
- ...it was too Iate. - Hey, stranger.
Hey.
CaroI.
- CaroI. Hi, CaroI. - Hi.
You Iook wonderfuI.
So, CaroI, weII, it's nice to see you again. You be weII.
What's up with that?
Put it this way, the show cIosed after one performance onIy.
- Do I even wanna know why? - No. Come on,
it wouId be Iess than discreet to teII you why.
Hair on the arms. SeriousIy. Long, thick--
What are you taIking about? You don't have hair on your arms?
- You're Iooking very IoveIy tonight. - Thank you.
Dude, the iron door has sIammed shut, man.
CIassic, isn't it?
Now that he can't have her, he thinks he can't Iive without her.
Some peopIe are funny.
Marlon's predicament got me thinking about my own situation.
Maybe-- Maybe it was time to stoke the home fires.
Anybody in the mood for a IittIe AIfie, straight up?
Oh, this isn't a good time, AIfie. Got a Iot on my mind.
Oh, God. Yeah, I reaIIy hate when that happens.
Open up, baby. You Iook seriousIy beautifuI.
- Not tonight, AIfred. - What's the matter? TeII me.
I don't-- I'm just-- WeII, I guess I'm-- I'm just...
I'm just seeing red.
I mean, the poor guy, he's dying.
Come on, haven't you--? You've tortured him Iong enough.
AIfie, he shouId've thought about aII that
before he was screwing around with that ex-girIfriend of his.
Those fake-ass, $5 titties.
- Those are fake? - HeIIo?
Wow, I'm devastated. They've got, Iike...
AIfie, you're supposed to be consoIing my devastation, remember?
I am. Look, he came back, didn't he?
Begging, crawIing on his knees, vomiting--
I don't care.
I'm sorry, I'm not that easy. I don't forgive and I definiteIy do not forget.
- Is okay if I Ieave now, miss? - Oh, si, FeIix.
And hit the Iights on your way out, por favor.
I better go.
It's reaIIy coming down out there.
Yeah.
And I'm wearing suede.
You're teIIing the truth. That's briIIiant.
Okay. I got one. I never swam in the Pacific Ocean.
- Me neither. - Oh, shit. Okay.
Okay. I've never seen a James Bond movie.
You're joking. Not even a Sean Connery?
You serious?
Wow, I don't know if that's magic or tragic.
Okay. Five baII. My go.
- I've never made my own bed. - Oh, buIIshit.
No, I repeat, I've never made my own bed.
WeII, what kind of mama you got?
That's a good question.
Let's see. AII right.
- I got something for you. - AII right.
I've never had sex...
I've never had sex with two peopIe in one night.
Six-five, your favour.
Gotcha.
So, AIfie, what's the most you've had in one night?
We've stopped pIaying the game, haven't we?
Am I wrong, or is there a IittIe innocent fIirting going on here?
Driftin' on a memory
Ain't no place l'd rather be Than with you
Loving you
See, if I had that kind of taIent...
And a song
- Go on, finish your sentence. - If I had that kind of taIent,
and I Iooked Iike you...
And a song
- ...I wouId be strutting my stuff - Oh, yeah?
on a stage.
Trust me, what happens next was the furthest thing from my mind
when l dropped by tonight.
But then l thought to myself,
''You know what?
lf this will help her get past her anger towards Marlon,
l owe it to both of them, as a friend, right?
To do whatever l can to help. ''
l find that, lately,
even lying to myself comes easily.
The next morning, and l can't get last night out of my mind.
Try desperately to focus on something else, anything else.
Anything to get my mind off my best friend's incredibly hot,
best-ass-l've-ever-seen-in-my-life girlfriend.
AIfie. AIfie.
- AIfie! - ShaII I pretend I can't hear him?
Dude.
- Hey! - Too Iate. Too Iate.
- Dude, wouId you sIow down? - Hey, MarIy, what's up?
''MarIy''?
Hey, Iisten, I gotta taIk to you. You ain't going nowhere
tiII you teII me what went down Iast night.
- Down Iast night? - Dude, don't mess with me.
What happened with Lonette?
Have you ever heard the word ''knock''?
- What went down? - What? Nothing happened.
- We had a few shots. - Missus give me siIent treatment.
LittIe she know, not hearing constant ''bIah, bIah, bIah'' is gift from heaven.
You keep it up. Keep it up, mate, it'II work.
AIfie, what happened?
Oh, fuck a duck, man. Look, I...
- I drank a Iot Iast night. - Drunk.
WeII, I...
I reaIIy-- I don't remember.
- Dude, you did something to her. - No.
Oh, yeah, you did. Because she shows up at my house,
at 4 in the morning, saying that she wanted me back.
She even said that if I needed more time,
that she understood compIeteIy.
How fucking crazy.
ChaIk one up for the bIokes. Thanks to me, MarIon won the game.
Which means he's off scot-free, and so am I.
This is a bIoody miracIe. That's fantastic. Fantastic.
- Come on, what did you say to her? - Look, Iook.
- It's aII good. - Come on, what did you say?
I asked her to marry me.
You know you're my best man, right?
Moral of the story:
No good deed goes unpunished.
New word for the day?
''ResiIience:
The abiIity to readiIy recover after disappointment or Ioss.''
Capacity to spring back.
Understand, it's not about replacing Julie.
l just wanna get back to the simple life:
Women who mean nothing to me.
So l've struck up a friendship with a nightclub hostess called Uta.
HeIIo, Uta.
Now, as a heat-seeking bacheIor,
I have to Iive by some very simpIe ruIes.
AIfie EIkins' credo or phiIosophy,
which is probabIy best summed up by the onIy advice
my father ever gave me.
He said, ''Son, whenever you meet a beautifuI woman...
...just remember, somewhere there's a bIoke who's sick of shagging her.''
- Can I heIp you, man? - G and T, pIease.
ExpIain to me what everyone sees in that Eurotrash?
I think it's incredibIy unfair that it's acceptabIe for men
to be sexuaIIy experimentaI, then with a woman,
if she wants to try something-- A kiss or a threesome.
You know, that they'd be judged. I wouIdn't judge them.
And I think if you two were to kiss, I wouId-- I wouId just--
I wouId just see it as a thing of beauty.
Although l'm living every guy's Rat Pack fantasy,
something feels a bit off.
And throwing myself back into the old lifestyle
isn't going quite as smoothly as l'd hoped.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
You carry on without me.
Oh, my Ioves, I--
I don't know what happened. This is so unIike me.
Yeah, you-- You two just...
l used to think there was nothing worse than death.
Then, from out of nowhere...
...the unthinkabIe.
Now I reaIIy don't get what everyone sees in you.
It just keeps on happening and happening.
Or more accurateIy, not happening and not happening.
This never happens, Uta. HonestIy, never.
HonestIy.
Not the word around town...
...peewee.
Mr EIkins? Miranda KuIp.
Miranda.
The penis doctor is a he with a IittIe bit of she thrown in.
So I understand you're experiencing some erectiIe dysfunction.
I am experiencing a IittIe-- A IittIe-- A IittIe bit of-- What you just said.
Not to worry. That's my area of expertise.
So have you been under any unusuaI emotionaI stress IateIy, Mr EIkins?
Stress? EmotionaI? Me? No, never.
WeII, unIess you count that recent chat I had with JuIie.
I can't see you anymore, AIfie.
- Why? You angry? - No, I'm reaIIy not angry.
Just, you know, we want different things.
And I can't have you traipsing in and out of Max's Iife.
You've changed your hair, haven't you?
You have, haven't you? No, you have.
You've changed your hairdo. You cut it?
It Iooks gorgeous.
- Thanks. - How come...?
How come you never had it Iike that when we were together?
I reaIIy gotta go.
WeII, I guess...
...you need these back.
Thank you.
AIfie?
You gonna be okay?
Yeah. No worries. I'm aIways okay.
AIrighty, Iet's take a gander at that penis of yours.
I see.
WeII.
- It seems we have Iift-off. - It seems we do.
Wunderschon.
What a reIief.
WeII, I mean, if he can give me a stiffy, I shouId have no probIem
keeping it up for the target demographic, shouIdn't I?
WeII, there doesn't appear to be anything physioIogicaIIy wrong,
so, in short, we can be fairIy certain your probIem
- was simpIy stress-reIated. - TransIation: JuIie-reIated.
Like I aIways say, if they don't get you one way, they'II get you another.
However,
- I did feeI something a IittIe kooky. - Kooky?
There is nothing to get upset about, Mr EIkins.
I thought I feIt a Iump...
...on your penis.
But with any Iuck, it wiII be nothing.
The words ''Iump'' and ''penis'' in the same sentence.
There's something you don't hear every day.
And so young Alfred got an early Yuletide gift.
A penis biopsy.
I get my test resuIts in three days-- WeII, five.
Five counting the weekend. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
How am I gonna stop myseIf going compIeteIy bonkers?
I'II be fine.
I'm a young man.
Shift focus, AIfie. Shift--
Let's go, kids. Let's go.
Move aIong, chiIdren. Look straight ahead.
Come on. Do not Iook at the man. Look straight ahead.
In the meantime, perhaps I'm safer hobbIing on home.
AIfie, dear, what's wrong? You Iook Iike death warmed over.
No, I've just-- I've got a bit of a footbaII injury, that's aII,
Mrs Schnitman-- HeIIo, Mrs Liberman.
You two Iook IoveIy. Where you going?
- Shopping. You need anything? - I'm fine.
HeIIo.
Can I taIk to you for a minute?
Ladies, this is my friend Lonette.
She's IoveIy. Good for you, dating an African-American.
Yeah.
Hey. Hey, girI. I missed you.
Don't mind us. We're not here. You kids keep taIking.
- Very nice to meet you. - See you, Mrs Liberman.
Shop tiII you drop, girIs.
So how have you been?
I'm pregnant.
lt seems to me
the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize.
lt's the ones that catch you unexpectedly
on a Wednesday afternoon that knock you sideways.
l offered to face the music with her...
...but she wanted to go it alone.
We both knew that if the baby was born with any white-boy features
it would mean the end of Lonette and Marlon.
Not to mention your host for this evening.
But standing in the cold, l find myself having regrets.
Thinking thoughts like,
''Here's another kid you'll never get a chance to know.
Your own. ''
Didn't take Iong.
BIoody heII, you're freezing.
How do you feeI?
Empty.
That night in the bar, I thought I was getting something for nothing.
Doesn't seem to have worked out that way, does it?
Oh, man.
lf everything turns out okay, maybe this little brush with mortality
is a sign.
l should think about making-- Making some changes.
PossibIy.
- Next week. - Excuse me.
Did I just--? Did you just Iook at me? Did I just notice you turn away?
Look, if you know the resuIts to my tests, and they're teIIing you--
- Mr EIkins. - PIease. PIease.
Mr EIkins, for the miIIionth time, sit down.
Mr BeIson, I have a canceIIation on Tuesday at 1 1 :30.
I'm gonna be fine.
- I just feeI it. - Thank you. Goodbye.
I'II just be a minute. Or ten.
- It's aII right. Take your time. - I don't have a choice.
I used to pee. Now I trickIe.
- I'm Joe. What's your name? - AIfie.
So how you doing, AIfie?
- Hanging in. You? - Shitty.
Yeah, me too. Me too.
- I Iike the boIo tie. - Oh, thanks. I have a coIIection.
You know, when you're oId, you Iearn to be patient.
Yeah.
Used to be I never had time for nothing. Go, go, go.
- I know that feeIing. - Yeah.
My wife was aIways hawking me to take a IittIe vacation. Hawaii. Reno.
I aIways said, ''Next year, Evie, next year.
I got too much on my pIatter.''
I aIways thought I'd have more time.
Then one Sunday night, she takes the pot roast out of the oven.
YeIIs, ''Soup's on,'' and sIumps to the kitchen fIoor.
Just Iike that.
Dead as disco.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
I tried picking up the pieces.
Even went to Waikiki aIone on the 8-day cruise package
she was aIways yakking about.
CouIdn't get Evie out of my mind.
There's two things I Iearned in Iife, kid:
You find someone to Iove,
and Iive every day as though it were your Iast.
She's aII yours, AIfie.
Enjoy.
You aII right, son?
Yeah. I hope so.
Look, if you ever get bored or feeI Iike schmoozing...
...give me a hoIIer.
- You'II never caII. - Maybe I wiII.
AII right, good. We'II go to a bar together, hit on some chicks.
Damn right.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey.
I'm sorry about Evie.
We...
...weren't aII that fond of each other...
...but we were very cIose.
- If you know what I mean. - I think I do.
I've been thinking a Iot IateIy about God and death.
And how, if what they taught me in BibIe cIass is true,
I'm reaIIy in for it.
But I won't be partying with Lucifer any time soon,
because my test resuIts were negative.
I'm gonna Iive! I'm gonna Iive!
I ruined my Prada Iace-ups and I don't care.
Don't think I've forgotten my oath to compIeteIy change my Iife,
because I haven't.
Carrot-appIe with a dash of wheat grass.
Yep.
HeaIth is now priority number one.
Business pIan moves onto the fast track.
- If you say so... - Tonight's preview at St. Ambrose...
No, I definiteIy don't want to taIk. Okay, hoId on, what eIse have I got?
Okay, yeah.
AII right, if we must, we must, but...
New sIate. New beginning.
- What's your name, driver? - AIfie, sir.
Wait here, AIfie.
Do you know how Iong you're gonna be, roughIy?
- You got somepIace to go? - No, I was just gonna nip off
- and get a cup of tea. - Look, why don't you just stay put.
Yea or nay?
A definite yea, I think. ReaIIy.
Stunning. WouIdn't you say so, sir?
I'm sorry, didn't I ask you to wait by the car?
I reckoned I shouId heIp the Iady with her packages.
Definite yea?
I think.
With one minor...
- May I? - You may.
Adjustment.
BuIIfighter. Another Iifetime. Don't ask.
Fifty, if she's a day.
But don't they say 50 is the new 40,
and is she not Iiving proof?
I mean, have a Iook. BeautifuIIy preserved.
And cIeavage Iike the HoIIand TunneI.
- Better? - Much.
You are so right to trust ChaneI. A pair of hot-pink stiIettos,
and you're good to go.
- WeII, aren't you Mr FuII-Service? - We try.
- He's getting a IittIe pissy, isn't he? - Oh, it's fine. It's good for him.
- Is your husband a Iot oIder than you? - He's not my husband.
He's wearing a wedding ring.
WeII, I never said he wasn't somebody eIse's husband.
- Grab the stuff from the trunk? - You got it.
Cheers.
Ma'am, if you require my services in the future.
Happy Christmas, sir. Ma'am.
Now that, my friends, is a real woman.
Smart and sexy and...
You noticed the IittIe fIirt going on between us, huh?
Makes me think,
if a woman Iike that, of that caIibre
shouId take notice of a bIoke Iike me,
then, perhaps...
Perhaps I'm seIIing myseIf a bit short.
ln a flash,
l have my New Year's resolution.
Aim higher.
Catastrophic. Doomed.
DesoIate. CatacIysmic.
Bought him a word-of-the-day caIendar for Christmas.
Big mistake.
HoIiday season, busiest time of the year.
I try to run a business.
- What's the probIem, Mr Wing? - Your souI brother.
He quit.
ln the letter Marlon left me, he called me his best friend...
...but apologized for bailing on our business scheme.
He said his whole thing now was to make Lonette happy.
They decided, on the spur of the moment,
to move upstate,
and l had a standing invite to drop by any time.
Somehow Lonette convinced Marlon
it would be too painful to say our goodbyes in person.
And to make matters worse,
it all dovetails into the second loneliest night of the year:
Christmas Eve.
A night that brings on all those familiar festive feelings
of hopelessness, anguish, despair.
Not a great time to be flying solo.
That's why I'm of the beIief coupIes shouId never spIit up
between Thanksgiving and January 2nd.
AIways have a reIationship to see you through the hoIidays. AIways.
The downside, of course, being gifts.
PersonaIIy, I've aIways suspected that everyone eIse
is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.
Not that I've ever actuaIIy had a Christmas.
That's a whoIe other Dickens story.
Taxi.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, mate, it's against the Iaw for me to carry any more than--
Thank the Lord.
A Christmas miracle.
AII right, hop in.
Thanks for saving us. I was freezing my IittIe tush off.
No worries. You know, it's pretty fuII back there.
- Why don't you... - Good idea.
Why don't I?
Hey, watch the champagne.
AII in.
- They don't get out much. - You wanna watch out, you guys.
You'II end up with a Iump of coaI in your stocking.
You're EngIish.
I Iove EngIish.
- What's your name? - AIfie.
You wanna abuse a IittIe substance, AIfie?
No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
AII right. One hit.
Merry Christmastime
There's an expression the Yanks use, ''Go with the fIow.''
So, yeah, I got a dose of the hoIiday bIues.
But when a girI of this mind-bIowing caIibre invites you to a party,
it's time to get going and start fIowing.
Maybe it's the Iate hour.
Maybe it's the heaviIy spiked eggnog.
Maybe it was simply a mutual desperate desire
to have ourselves a merry little Christmas.
Whatever the reason, hooking up has never gone more swimmingly,
and l find myself saying something highly out of character:
I'm renovating my apartment on the Upper West Side.
But, say, you couId...
...crash at my subIet, if you want.
See you through the hoIidays.
That sounds inviting.
And so it came to pass, that after all those years,
little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas.
The 1 2 days of Christmas were flying by
at a surrealistic pace.
Yeah, it's been quite the ride.
The package was irresistible.
A showstopper with a new-school brand of sexiness.
Who wouldn't get off on the way she makes heads turn?
Plus, we have so much in common.
- She's sweet, fun, original, exciting, - Adore you.
full of surprises.
Oh, and did l mention, she makes a cracking good bed.
l began to wonder,
could this be the one...
...who finally holds my attention?
Happy New Year!
ln every doomed relationship,
there comes what l like to call
''the uh-oh moment. ''
When a certain IittIe something happens,
and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end.
And suddenIy you stop and you think:
''Uh-oh, iceberg ahead.''
With Nikki, that was the first of many...
...uh-oh moments.
lt began with petty arguments.
Followed by random bouts of melancholia.
Major highs and manic lows.
This girl never knows when she's had one too many.
And there had been constant displays of erratic, reckless behaviour.
And thank you, no. No, l did not have insurance.
But whenever l begin to feel there's little reason to go on,
l'm reminded that we still have one very major thing in common.
lf only she didn't insist on smoking before,
after
and during.
What time are you gonna be home, honey?
Hear that?
''What time are you gonna be home, honey?''
That's dangerousIy cIose to wife-speak to me.
Because I'm making something reaIIy speciaI for din-din.
Din-din?
I'II caII Iater.
Listen, are you sure you don't think that coIour's a IittIe bit intense?
- I think you're a IittIe bit intense. - CarefuI,
because you've got paint aII over your hands.
PIus, you're wearing my favourite shirt to paint the house in, Nik. Don't--
Sorry, baby.
I gotta run.
No, I've gotta run.
I bet that I can make it worth your whiIe to stay.
I'm sure you can. But you know what? I've got that meeting.
- Haven't I? - Yeah.
You know you're in troubIe when a sight Iike that can't keep you pIanted.
When I was a boy at St. AIban's Secondary SchooI,
the schooI took us on this cuIturaI trip
to observe art at one of the--
One of those big famous London museums.
Anyway, when I was there,
I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marbIe.
Aphrodi-- Aphrodite, something Iike that.
BeautifuI, she was.
Perfect femaIe form.
ChiseIIed features.
Exquisite.
I stood in awe of her.
FinaIIy, the teacher caIIs us aII over, and I'm waIking past it,
and on the way I notice, in the side of this Greek goddess,
aII these cracks, chips, imperfections.
Ruined her for me.
WeII, that's Nikki.
A beautifuI scuIpture...
...damaged...
...in a way you don't notice tiII you get too cIose.
I Iost the signaI for a second there.
But I don't know.
It's just a Iot of personaI stuff going on.
You know what I mean?
- Oh, I know. - WeIcome, Mr AIfie.
Good to see you, EIvis. Look, I hope you don't mind me rambIing on.
- Enjoy your evening, sir. - Thank you.
As you can see, the Iad's moving up in the worId.
It's just that I've got this friend who's,
Iet's say, outstayed his weIcome.
AbsoIuteIy right.
It's a Iot tougher getting them out than getting them in. I Iike that.
You'II never guess who I'm dropping in on now.
I wouIdn't have beIieved it myseIf a coupIe of weeks ago.
Why don't you just try being honest,
and teII your friend that the hoteI is under new management
and that they have to vacate the premises. You know what I mean.
That kimono
does wonders for your decoIIetage.
- Big word. - Big decoIIetage.
Why don't we have a drink and you can teII me the rest of your troubIes.
Instead of me Iistening to hers. That's a change.
You know, for someone so very young, you're terribIy wise.
Secret admirer?
One of many.
You wouId never think of bringing a girI fIowers, wouId you, AIfie?
It wouId onIy encourage them.
I'm gonna make us that drink.
What's your poison, sweetheart?
I'II have a spot of whiskey, pIease. MidIeton Rare, if you've got it.
I Iike dropping a fancy brand name in now and again,
Iet her know she ain't the onIy one been around.
Why not make this an absinthe afternoon?
BriIIiant.
- No idea what she's taIking about. - You've had absinthe?
Not recentIy, no. Remind me, what is it again?
The Green Fairy. The French impressionists' Iiquid drug of choice.
And I got you some of those IittIe egg thingies you Iike so much.
I mention I Iike something once, next thing I know,
I get it on a siIver pIatter.
Perfect, huh?
Kind of pad I pIan to earn myseIf one day.
Understated eIegance with just a touch of the trendy.
She's a reguIar fashionista.
You don't have to teII this one which sIingbacks go with which frock.
Owns her own cosmetics company.
Empire, actuaIIy.
Started out doing faciaIs in a fancy saIon.
Took a handfuI of mud, mixed it with a dash of papaya,
put it on the market, and bingo: AII this.
This stuff is so iIIegaI.
I smuggIed a whoIe batch of it back from Prague
in Listerine bottIes.
Oh, I checked out your business pIan.
- And? - I'm impressed.
- You seem surprised. - Not at aII.
Because underneath aII that bravado
beats the heart of a guy who's a Iot smarter than he thinks he is,
but not nearIy as cocky as he'd Iike everybody eIse to beIieve.
What are we--? What exactIy are we basing this on?
This insight into my personaIity?
That it takes one to know one.
What?
I was just wondering if there's a cIever IittIe tattoo artist out there
who couId change ''PabIo'' into ''AIfie.''
Here's to cIever IittIe tattoo artists.
Jesus.
It made me feeI aII warm going down.
That's my job.
You know what they say.
What do they say?
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Oh, great.
Check this out.
Have a Iook at the size of this tub.
She's had two husbands, both croaked,
and I have a feeIing this was the scene of the crime.
Come on, baby, Iet's get wet.
If she keeps this up,
we're gonna be updating that tattoo of hers a Iot sooner than she thinks.
Remember how little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas?
Be carefuI what you wish for.
There's something else.
Dozed off?
Yeah.
I tried waiting up for you.
- Your meeting ran Iate, huh? - Very. I'm knackered.
And wet.
But...
...I do want us to have a IittIe chat, Nikki.
Okay.
Sure.
Why don't we taIk over a midnight snack.
I made roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
That was your favourite as a young Iad, right?
And check the pIace out, if you pIease.
- Your IittIe girI worked her fanny off. - I noticed. It Iooks briIIiant.
ReaIIy smashing.
- So, Nik-- - AIfie, I've been thinking.
WiII you Iook at these cute IittIe potatoes?
Okay. I know I have been a reaI handfuI IateIy.
I don't know, I think it has to do a Iot with me feeIing dispIaced...
...and not totaIIy trusting.
Sweetie, cutting to the chase.
I am gonna do better.
I promise.
I am gonna take my medication reIigiousIy from now on.
And everything, everything is gonna be easy and breezy.
Sound good? Honey?
So come, come and sit. A feast awaits.
I aIready ate, Nik.
Of course.
No worries, we'II have Ieftovers.
I can whip up a IittIe corned beef hash for brunch.
What's the matter, AIfie?
Nothing. I just...
I've got a Iot on my mind and...
- ...I'm feeIing a bit-- - What?
CoId? Distant? Remote? What?
Oh, Nik, this is a compIete drag.
Everything happened so quickIy.
- I'm not the best at this sort of thing. - What sort of thing?
I...
...don't know exactIy how to say it.
Sure you do, AIfie.
You've had pIenty of experience dumping girIs.
Don't worry.
I'm aIready gone.
Strange.
But even when you know it has to end...
...when it finally does...
...you always get that inevitable twinge:
Have l done the right thing?
I must admit...
...I do miss the companionship.
Nikki was a showstopper.
But as me ugIy oId Aunt GIadys used to say,
''Looks aren't everything.''
I used to think that was a Ioad of boIIocks,
but just IateIy I've been thinking...
...maybe the oId bat had something.
JuIie?
AIfie, hi.
What a surprise.
- God, I haven't seen you since... - Yeah.
You Iook-- You Iook amazing.
Thanks. You too. You Iook good too.
I'm getting over a coId.
- But you're okay otherwise? - I'm fine. I'm aIways fine.
It's good to see you.
And you.
Hey, you know, I was...
I'm sorry about what happened between us.
And I'm sorry how it aII ended up. It wasn't--
It wasn't good.
I feIt bad about not seeing Max and about not seeing you.
- It's water under the bridge. - Good.
You know...
...I'm wondering...
Maybe we...
You know I can never promise anything.
But if you want, if you Iike,
maybe we couId see each other again.
It wouId be okay by me.
It wouId be more than okay, it wouId be great.
- AIfie, I-- - Yeah?
This is Adam.
Hey, how are you?
- Hey, how you doing, Adam? - Pretty good.
- Adam. - Yeah.
It was great running into you.
- You Iook fantastic. - Thanks.
What time is it? I've gotta go.
I'm Iate for a meeting. Nice to meet you, Adam.
JuIie?
- How's Max? - Oh, reaIIy good.
WiII you say hi?
- Sure. - Or not.
Be weII.
HeIIo.
Mrs Wing, is everything--?
Wing.
Why are you crying?
I'm not crying. Get out.
- You sure? - I'm fine. Get out, AIfie.
I'm sorry. I just wanted to see if I couId borrow a car.
She Ieave me.
Sorry?
BIossom Ieave me.
BIossom? Is that your wife's name, BIossom?
What I do wrong, AIfie? Love her?
Look, mate. Come on, you can win her back.
Woo her. Send fIowers and chocoIates.
Write a poem.
- That what you do? - WeII, actuaIIy, no, I've never done that,
but it may be a way to go.
What rhyme with BIossom?
I wouId try ''awesome.''
Okay.
You never cease to amaze.
Hey.
Great to see you too, Lon.
I guess I shouId have rung. Hey, Sam.
WeII, that wouId have been a pIan.
WeII, you know, I'm sorry, it was just...
It's nice.
Look, Lonette...
This is so uncomfortabIe, I know. Because--
You don't have to whisper. MarIon's not here.
I reaIIy miss you both.
And I just wondered, maybe...
Maybe me and you couId put it aII behind us,
pretend Iike it never happened, and then move forward, you know?
I just--
You know, AIfie...
...dropping by wasn't a good idea.
You two didn't have a baby.
You did have a baby.
No, you were right the first time.
Thinking back to that day at the clinic, l remember
trying to look in Lon's eyes to see if l could even begin to understand
what she was going through, and how she wouldn't look at me.
And l think l knew then.
l just didn't want to admit it to myself.
So classically...
...l said nothing.
I knew there was a good chance the baby
couId be MarIon's.
At Ieast, I hoped.
This is a Iot...
...for me too, Lon.
MarIon stayed.
For now.
Is there anything I can do?
What are you gonna do, AIfie?
Hey.
You know, I never...
- I never meant-- - You never mean to hurt anybody.
But you do, AIfie.
l felt l needed a friend to talk to.
Problem was, they were suddenly in short supply.
And I don't remember being in the car. I just-- I just-- I was stopped.
And I'm crying.
- Crying for the IittIe one? - I don't know exactIy.
Maybe for him.
MostIy, I think, for me.
And MarIon.
I never had anybody Iook at me quite Iike that before.
And beIieve me, I've had some Iooks that couId kiII.
He stood by Lonette. I couId've never, ever--
You don't know what you'II do tiII you reaIIy Iove someone.
WeII, now what?
You gonna shoehorn yourseIf into the situation?
No.
You did the onIy thing you couId do. You behaved Iike a gentIeman.
I've never been accused of that before.
Don't get aII choked up. You aIso behaved Iike a scheming,
backstabbing, so-Iow-you-can-Iook-up- a-snake's-asshoIe son of a bitch.
Next time, think before unzipping.
It's aII right. You screwed up.
So, what are you gonna do?
Run to the bridge?
The question is...
...what's gonna happen with the rest of your Iife?
I'd be Iying if I didn't admit the events of the past few weeks
have knocked me for a bit of a Ioop.
AII right, aII right, aII right.
HeIIo, mate.
And what can we do for you this evening?
- How much are one of those? - Five-fifty.
And you'II need to put them in water immediateIy.
Right, I'II have that.
Second thought.
ActuaIIy, this is sort of a speciaI thing.
- What's the occasion? - Say again?
- ProposaI? - No. No, no.
WeII, I do want to extend an offer to maybe have a go at it for a bit,
give us a spin, that kind of thing.
I get it. Commitment issues.
TeII me what she, or he, is Iike,
and we'II find the appropriate bIoom.
WeII, she is...
You know what, she's adventurous.
- Frivole. - And very sexy.
I'm thinking Dolce Vita.
A IittIe mischievous. You know, cheeky?
AvaIanche, with a touch
of mio amore.
And then under it aII, she's just--
She's just kind of sweet.
Liz?
- HeIIo? - It's me, my Iove.
Hey, I didn't expect to see you tonight. I thought you were working.
I had a canceIIation, so I took the night off.
Listen, I thought we shouId get up earIy, get out of the city,
go to the country and see if we can stay
- at that B & B you're aIways on about. - I'd Iove to, but I can't.
I have an investors' breakfast in the morning.
- How about on the weekend? - BriIIiant. Better.
AII right. I thought you may...
Oh, my God.
No. AIfie.
- Oh, what a sweet gesture. - MiIady.
They're not out of some pIastic bucket. I handpicked, Iike, every bud.
- I can see that. - And apparentIy, I have a bit of a fIair
for fIower arranging.
I'm impressed.
- TaIk about being bIown away. - Good. Mission accompIished.
I Iike surprising you.
WeII, you certainIy have done that.
AII right, then. WeII, you're up earIy, so I'm off.
- I'm gonna see you tomorrow night? - Yeah.
When we speak, there's some things--
Some thing I reaIIy wanna taIk to you about.
What, honey?
I'm gonna wait for the exact perfect moment, and that's aII I'II say.
I'II ring you in the morning.
And, AIfie, thank you for the fIowers. They made my evening.
ReaIIy?
In that case, maybe I'II stay.
I don't--
No, it's not a good idea.
There's a guy in there, isn't there?
God...
Go.
Don't do this.
What's he got?
- Better than me? - AIfie, pIease.
TeII me. PIease?
ReaIIy, I wouId Iike to know. What's he got? TeII me.
I want to know what he's got. PIease teII me.
Come on. Come on. Come on, just teII me.
Just teII me, come on.
What's he got better than me?!
He's younger than you.
''He's younger than you. ''
l've gotta admit, l didn't see it coming.
She caught me off-guard, all right.
You couIdn't teII, though, couId you?
As you've Iearned by now, I'm rather skiIIed at hiding my feeIings.
You see, the thing with feeIings is they have
this quiet way of sneaking up on you when you Ieast expect it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like with Liz.
Who wouId've thought, of aII the women I've known...
...the one I Iet my guard down with deIivers the knockout punch.
Ironic.
CaIendar word.
Dorie.
- Hi. - HeIIo, AIfie.
- I haven't seen you in ages. - Maybe because you stopped caIIing.
I know. Things were getting a bit too--
Don't bother expIaining. I'm way past needing excuses.
AII right. No, you know what? I want to expIain.
What? You had your fiII of me?
Someone cuter came aIong? I don't need to hear it, AIfie.
- Look, Dorie-- - ReaIIy.
Look, Dorie...
What happens with me is--
I don't know, I get--
When it gets too-- Not cIose but something Iike that,
I start to feeI-- Not stifIed,
not trapped, but something Iike that.
And I... And...
You know? You know what I mean?
Did that make--? Did that make any sense?
I think it has to make sense to you more than me at this point.
Yeah, fair enough.
I need to go. He'II be waiting for me.
Dorie.
I'm sorry.
Good Iuck, AIfie.
I warned them aII from the beginning.
I aIways said something aIong the Iines of,
''I must advise you,
I am stamped with an invisibIe warning.
I wiII not commit. I wiII never marry.''
Despite my best efforts, I'm beginning to feeI some smaII cracks
in my faux finish.
You know, when l look back on my little life,
and all the women l've known...
...l can't help but think about...
...all that they've done for me...
...and how little l've done for them.
How they looked after me, cared for me...
...and l repaid them by never returning the favour.
Yeah.
I used to think I had the best end of the deaI.
What have I got?
ReaIIy?
Some money in my pocket.
Some nice threads. Fancy car at my disposaI.
And I'm singIe.
Unattached. Free as a bird.
I don't depend on nobody.
Nobody depends on me.
My Iife's my own.
But I don't have peace of mind.
And if you don't have that, you've got nothing.
So...
So, what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myseIf.
What's it aII about?
You know what I mean?